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ThroughMyEyes

My Life – Through My Eyes

Human Variables

That moment in life when you look back and realize there are multiple decades behind you,

Looking at every one as individual pieces of an unsolved puzzle – like someone just opened your eyes to reality

Every segment began and ended without undue knowledge

Wondering if those mini chapters in life actually meant something bigger –

Every segment, providing mini lessons learned to rea    rrange and apply to the present

Life’s directions are not written in stone, life is not planned out in a book and no 2 peoples’ lives are the same

Every person having a journey of their own, a goal to reach as time passes, and a lifelong dream envisioned

There is no detour or short cut – only promised variables – human variables

And without human variables, life would not be worth living

Allowing dreams and goals of another person to occupy the same space as your own –

It takes strength, courage and selflessness to welcome the unknown into the known

Without knowing, what the outcome brings –

Hoping prosperity blossoms in the new endeavor

Putting aside short-term goals and dreams to make room for theirs –

Praying that selfishness doesn’t flood the gates of s  elflessness causing a disaster –

Life is a gamble – everyday decisions made in paramount timing –

Not realizing the smallest decision can be the biggest mistake

Creating a huge domino effect that will eventually reach unattainable limits

Losing all control of what was controllable

Little by little – losing all the little lessons learned along the way –

Stuck in a space of unending mind play and fuckery

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10 sense(s)

cent-10-euro-coin-52972.jpegIn the last 10 days, I’ve felt  anxious about everything and anything that  is physically in front of me, or not even there – like something is happening that i can’t see, and will effect me somehow, in someway.  For example, my fiance of 9 years, and 5 children later – he goes to the store after work, and I automatically think he is cheating on me, or lying to me about where he is going.  I feel like i want to break out of my skin because my head will not stop thinking  about so many things – things I HAVE to do or they won’t get accomplished, and things that are just there to clutter my mind so i cannot focus on the more important tasks that I actually need to use physical force to accomplish – but  I can’t focus on one thing, or figure out where to start because when I think of one thing, ten things pop into my head and I can’t pinpoint the priority.  Egotistical – I take everything personal – from a joke, to a comment and the example above (going to store has me thinking that my fiance doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to be around me); with that said, I would flip from being sad and crying to drying my eyes and acting like he is not in the room when he gets back and I pay attention to the kids and find something to do around the house or sit on the couch and fall asleep – giving him the message that I am mad at him and I would rather sleep than hang out with him because he went to the store and used that as an excuse to not be around me.  Then I feel lost and alone because he is all I have – my dad walked out of my life at 17, my mom is an alcoholic, my grandmother is dead, my aunts egotistic with an annoying “I ‘m better than you attitude” who also drinks her life away and my younger brother died in 2016 from drug use (brain hemorrhage) – so, all  I have is him and my kids (5 – ages 4-14). I feel irritated with myself – i let things happen and then feel some kind of way like a martyr situation –  I say that I am okay with something and then feel sad/empty because  he went along and did what I said was okay to do – but in my mind, it hurts because he would rather do xyz than not hang out after working  nonstop the last 5 days.  My loneliness pushes me to eat sweets – a lot of ice cream really – being lactose intolerant with hoshimotos, its completely bad for my body; the other half of me shops – online; random purchases; why not buy the $100 sneakers I’ve been looking at for the last couple months?! Adding a measly $100 to my $10,000+ credit card debt  wont make a big impact!  I feel good after i buy things and eat ice cream and binge watch show until the very last minute of the last episode after a 7 season binge in 7 days – i feel good at that moment, until I wake up the next day with my to-do list still lingering that i made in mid-August; for every task removed, 10 are added – doesn’t look good at work, which makes my self esteem plummet.  I also feel amazing and want to do everything under the sun  (in my head) I want to take the kids to the park, ride bikes on the bike trail, take them to chuck e cheese, laugh, watch a movie – do all the things a super energetic mother would do (that super energetic mother being me before hoshimotos, my brother dying and my life taking a nosedive to no control over my emotional status ).  Right this second I am irritated . .  .coworkers talking in the cube next to me like they are the only two in the office – louder than they should, and I cannot think of the words to write because I cant hear myself thing because they are talking  – its the worst thing to not be able to do your job because everything around you  prohibits complete focus;  Sometimes I think they talk about me like I am doing something wrong, or they don’t like what I am wearing or how I look on a particular day – subconscious sucks.  I have a lot of the “moments” above like a roller coaster ride (that’s what I call all my different episodes – episodes are 30-60 mins long; my moments are 2-5 days and then switch up).  I love the days that i feel amazing, and I talk to everyone like I’ve known them forever, not giving a damn about what i think – I get a lot of cleaning done, and organizing – its amazing; those days don’t last as long as my subconscious, low self-esteem, cry-baby days – i wish they did. I’m at the point, where it doesn’t matter if i write lists anymore (my  current way of coping since i can remember), organize my clothes by color (and then by sleeve length and then alpha by brand) – I can’t focus long enough to get anything done, and if i do focus its on some organizational project at home or work, otherwise, i am lost to the world.  I want to know if this is normal!!! my mom says everyone deals with issues,  and blah blah blah – i love her to pieces but don’t agree that taking ativan and drinking every single night is a good idea – especially with RA – and I can’t take advice from someone who doesn’t have their life together.!

Amazing Read. . .

Lessons Learned in Life – That Woman Who You Think is Impossible

I read – I cried – I completely understood

When You Love Someone, You Rearrange Your Priorities | Thought Catalog

When You Love Someone, You Rearrange Your Priorities | Thought Catalog
— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2018/09/when-you-love-someone-you-rearrange-your-priorities/

#ThoughtCatalog

Empaths — Everything You Need To Know About This Personality Type | Thought Catalog

Empaths — Everything You Need To Know About This Personality Type | Thought Catalog
— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/bianca-sparacino/2018/05/empaths-everything-you-need-to-know-about-this-personality-type/

Empaths — Everything You Need To Know About This Personality Type | Thought Catalog
— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/bianca-sparacino/2018/05/empaths-everything-you-need-to-know-about-this-personality-type/

Good read for those who are told “you are too emotional” and feel that no matter how hard you try to control your emotions and feelings for the long haul, it’s almost impossible after a 24 hour period. For those that mentally feel connected with the people around you, and have a sense of what they’re feeling and thinking during a specific moment – accurately expressing what they’re thinking and feeling, even though they may deny it over and over, but their actions prove your intuition correct – this is definitely for you and worth reading, reading again and again. I’ve never heard of this term and I can’t ever express who I am as a person, explain or understand why I am so emotional, and more importantly – I thought my inner obsession with “fixing”, my deep routed intuitions, and my ability to see the unforeseen through dreams was batshit crazy, and therefore never communicated with another being any further then, “I had the weirdest dream last night…. again”

Thank you Bianca for writing!! There’s nothing more exciting than finding people out in this big world that share the same strengths, weaknesses and fears as your own!

The Brutal Truth About How Your Ego Is Ruining Your Relationships | Thought Catalog

The Brutal Truth About How Your Ego Is Ruining Your Relationships | Thought Catalog
— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/nikita-mor/2017/04/the-brutal-truth-about-how-your-ego-is-ruining-your-relationships/

The title could be different – this is more about self awareness and questioning where you stand in life as an individual and how you perceive others! #LessJudgingMoreLoving

“Don’t Lose Yourself. . .”

They say don’t lose yourself while living life and dealing with issues that come your way, but who is your true self? Is it the self that formed as a young child running through the streets, playing tag and Ghost in the Graveyard? Or is the self that was transitioned from an innocent child to a needy, selfish teenager who wants everything immediately and refuses to take responsibility for personal action? Or is it the self that transforms during the college years into a heavy drinking, pill popping, weed smoking, lost in life individual? Or is it the self that is catapulted from the partying stage into parenthood: working 40 hours a week in a claustrophobic establishment while your children are raised by the college-goers in a low paying childcare facility? Or is the self a result of events over a lifetime of trials and tribulations that cannot be evaluated until a lifetime of experiences are complete?

If this can be true than a person never knows their true self enough, to lose their self, so how can you lose something that’s always evolving and never really known?!

The Devil on Earth

St Michael killed the devil in Heavens war leaving the Devil to go nowhere but south – maybe back to Hell but reality shows his presence is here, on Earth. Killing humans – with no hesitation or prejudice. Killing all kinds – rich, poor, middle class, White, Black, Hispanic – there is no pre or post questionnaire to decide who is affected. We are all equal in the devil’s playground.  No such thing as the rich, poor, elite, smart; All who enter lose their identity – no room for ego. Anyone can enter, very few leave with enough breathe in the lungs to survive through days end.  Some like the adrenaline rush – the constant desire to feel the devils blood rush through the veins, warming every part of the body from toe to head – ignoring the chance of instantaneous death.  Those who live through the initial taste, continue to chase the devils tail as greed hinders reality, living in isolated depression of loneliness and despair. Acquaintances near when rich – nowhere to be found when poor. The devils playground is the world dreamed of in nightmares and horror films.  Do not enter – do not be persuaded – turn around and walk away. There are no stories of success in this fenced-in world; once the gate closes – its one hell of a ride: Buckle Up.

Piece of Life

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